Co-Parenting: 10 Commandments of Parenting

Here are the wisest commandments ever commended to parents:


1.Thou shalt be consistent. Do as you say you will. Children know where they stand when you are consistent, follow through and mean what you say.

2.Thou shalt expect children to contribute (without being paid). Expect children to help at home but don’t expect them to do so graciously all the time. Here is a question to ask yourself from time to time: What do your children do that someone else relies on?

3.Thou shalt encourage regularly and persistently. Remember that encouragement and praise will get children a lot further than criticism and punishment so be your child’s best encourager rather than his fiercest critic. Encouragement helps a child link his or her self-esteem to the process, rather than the results of what they do.

4.Thou shalt put responsibility where it belongs. Treat children and young people as you want them to be. If you want responsible, capable children then treat them as if they are responsible. The best way to develop responsibility is to give it to children.

5.Thou shalt be know that children and young people only see one side of any issue. Thou shalt take everything they say with a large grain of salt. Not that children and young people lie, but they have been known to exaggerate or see facts only from their side.

6.Thou shalt show love and affection to your children. Thou shalt say you love each of your children at least once a day. Knowing they are loveable is the basis of self worth, regardless of their age.

7.Thou shalt catch children and young people behaving well. Pay attention to your children’s positive behaviour more than their negative behaviour. What you focus on expands so if you focus on the positive behaviour that is what you generally get. Give descriptive feedback so that your children know what they did well. E.g. “That was great the way you two worked out the TV-watching problem without arguing. You both compromised a little which is smart.”

8.Thou shalt develop independence in children from the earliest possible age. Never regularly do for a child the things he or she can do for him or herself. Remember, your job is to make yourself redundant.

9.Thou shalt set limits and boundaries for children and expect that they will push against them. Children and young people need limits and boundaries as they make them feel secure.

10.Thou shalt keep a sense of humour when dealing with children. This will help you keep things in perspective. It may seem improbable some days but they will soon grow up and be out of your hair and be a living, breathing reflection of YOU.

The 11th (and most important )commandment:

Thou shalt be a good role model for your children. Show rather than tell children and young people how you want them to communicate, behave and live. Children learn what they live and, as parents, your actions speak louder than your words.

Enjoy!

The Cycle Of Physical Abuse

In December, 2005, I conducted a two-day workshop with men who had recently been released from prison for domestic violence. With the men were their wives, as well as the father of a batterer who was still in prison.

The father, Douglas, sat in front of me, sharing his childhood experiences.

“My momma was a very loving woman – a big-hearted, hard working loving woman,” he told me. From my many years of counseling, I knew that my definition of love and his definition of love were likely very different.

“Did she ever beat you?” I asked.

“Oh yeah. She beat me all the time. My daddy beat my momma and my momma beat me. But she beat me because I was bad. I was really bad. Maybe if she had beat me more, I wouldn’t have been so bad.”

“What did she beat you with?”

“Anything she could get her hands on. Extension cords, wooden spoons. Often I had to go into the yard and pick out the switch.”

“How did you feel when you knew you were going to get a beating?”

“Oh, I was terrified. I’d beg and plead and promise not to do again whatever it was she was mad at. But that never worked. I always got the beating. Then after the beating she would tell me that she loved me, that it was for my own good, and that it hurt her more than it hurt me.”

“And how were you bad?”

“Well, sometimes I’d come in late, and sometimes I would talk back. Then I got into alcohol and drugs at a very early age. Maybe if she had beat me more, I wouldn’t have done the alcohol and drugs.”

“Why do you think you did the alcohol and drugs?”

“I was just hurtin’ too much. It took me outta all the pain for awhile.”

“What was the pain?”

“I don’t know. I was just hurtin’ a lot.”

“Do you think it is possible that you were hurting because the woman who was supposed to protect you was instead hurting you? That she was confusing you by telling you she loved you while she was beating and terrifying you? That there was no one to turn to for safety and nurturing? That you were scared much of the time for fear of the beatings? That you were terribly lonely and could not turn to your parents because they were the ones causing the pain?”

Silence………Then he looked at me in shock. As the light bulb when on in his mind, the tears started rolling down his weathered cheeks. Soon he was sobbing.

“That’s right…That’s right….The beatings were the problem. More beatings would not have helped. And I beat my children thinking it was the right thing to do, and now my son is in prison for beating his wife and protective services want to take away their daughter. And I almost hit her the other day when she didn’t mind me. I’m so glad I didn’t. This has to stop! This has to stop!”

I looked around the room. Everyone was in tears. Kathy, the wife of one of the batterers, spoke up, sobbing.

“I’ve always hit my kids, and no matter what anyone told me about it not being good, it never made sense to me. This is the first time I understand why it’s not a good or loving way to discipline my kids. And I can see why I’m having so many problems with my older son and why he is on drugs. He has always been furious with me and I had no idea why. Now I understand. I need to learn a new way to discipline. I’m going to take a parenting class and start reading parenting books.”

I hugged Douglas for the profound work he did, and for the effect his work was having on everyone in the room. I thanked God for giving me the privilege of working with these people. All of them, it turned out, had been severely beaten as children.

I am deeply grateful to James Beard who conducts workshops within the prison with batterers and to Lindsay Wagner, who also works with these men and their families. Both of them were assisting me at this workshop. We all smiled at each other in deep gratitude for the healing that was taking place.

more inspiration for control freak parents

You cannot catch a child’s spirit by running after it. You must stand still, and for love it will soon itself return. -Arthur Miller

This became evident to me several summers ago, when I spent 6 weeks suffering with a severe case of hives all over my body. When the itching first began, the only way to find relief was to lie absolutely motionless.

My kids, who are delightfully self-entertaining, went about their business for the first few hours, checking in on me occasionally to see if I needed anything. As the day wore on, they realized that I was a sitting duck. They set up camp on my king size bed, and we proceeded to have some very deep and thought-provoking conversations.

I doubt these interactions would have occurred if I had been my usual productive and bustling self. I probably would have interrupted the quiet time that was necessary for their questions to emerge in order to jump up and fold the laundry before it wrinkled.

I hardly ever sit still when I’m healthy. There’s always so much to do. Hives taught me lots of important things ... not the least of which is that the world will not collapse if I don’t hold it up. Sure, I fell behind on things. For the first time in my life I left phone calls unreturned, and dishes in the sink, and laundry wet and wrinkled for days.

But the sun continued to rise and set anyway. I didn’t lose any friends due to my poor response time. And my kids learned how to take care of dirty dishes and clothes.

My son is a budding chef, and he had lots more freedom in the kitchen when I wasn’t there telling him what to do or how to do it better. He was so proud to serve us the delicious meals he had prepared.

I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is drop out and let them experience their own competence. My kids blossomed during my down time. I think it was really great for them to feel needed and important; to make a contribution to the family that really mattered.

Yeah, it’s sad that it took a nasty case of hives for me to realize that I was not giving them enough opportunities to experience their own competence, but so be it. Now I know. True confessions of a compulsive caretaker.

Testing my lessons learned, I asked my son if he would fix a towel hook that had fallen off the wall. He seized the mission with zest, gathering all his tools together and tackling the problem with great concentration.

I stayed busy elsewhere in the house and left him alone. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he came to tell me the job was done. Not only had he fixed the hook, but he had even cleaned up the mess and put all the tools away!

I’ve realized that the best way to love my kids has changed as they’ve grown older. It’s not so much about taking care of them anymore. Now they need opportunities to discover their ability to take care of themselves.

I’ve graduated from being their source to being their resource. My job has changed from doing things for them to expressing my confidence that they can learn to do things for themselves.

Just in the nick of time, too. I’ve been craving uninterrupted opportunities to write and think and meditate. I’m relieved to know that I can take this time for myself without feeling that I am depriving them somehow.

I guess I needed the reassurance that it was ok, even good for them, that I wanted space to myself. Mama Bird at some point needs to get tough on her babies while getting them ready to fly. Maybe Mother Nature gives her a helping hand by offering her the tool of irritation to toughen her up so she does what must be done.

Traditionally it’s been hard for me to trust that even my irritation could be ok. Once more, I have been reminded that all is truly as it should be. And for that, I am grateful.